I suppose it’s a good idea that I ultimately decided not to go into a field of psychology involving therapy, and chose a medical field instead. Because I am terrible at dealing with people. I can give general advice, and I can provide a listening ear and let people talk into it. I can sympathize and empathize and all other kinds of “thize”s, but that’s about it. I can’t deal with other people’s emotions. I can barely keep mine under control, let alone try and wrangle with someone else’s. Especially when it comes to having to console someone who just lost a friend, family member or pet. UGHHHHHH I’M SO BAD AT THAT. I’d be the worst grief counselor ever. I remember the administrators at the school made me go see one of those after my friend Greg committed suicide because I would randomly start crying in the middle of class and I guess I was starting to be a disruption. At the time I just wanted to be left alone. I guess that’s how I usually deal with things like that. I cry it all out of my system for a few days and then I can pull myself together, accept that they’re gone and move on. Or I’ll do the opposite and not grieve at all and pretend nothing ever happened. I don’t like talking about it either way, though. I don’t like people telling me that everything’s going to be okay and that they’re in a “better place” because I don’t believe in any of that. I don’t believe in a lot of the things that people usually rely on for consolation. That might be why I’m such a terrible person to look to for comfort. I don’t believe in anything. And whatever I have to say on the subject would probably just make them feel worse. What gets a lot of people through those kinds of things is the belief in an afterlife of some sort. And I don’t really want to take that away from them just because I think that once someone dies, there’s nothing left of them except for what they left behind in the world. I’m probably really depressing. So I usually don’t say much. Maybe an “I’m sorry.” or an “I understand.”. But I don’t ask questions. I’ll listen to what people have to say if they want to tell me, but I won’t ask to hear it. Or offer anything remotely close to consolation. I wish I was one of those people that could. I honestly wish I was. But I simply can not do it. And I probably end up hurting a lot of people’s feelings because of it. Just because I can’t be there for them in the way they need me to be. Kind of like Andrew. He drops a lot of hints that he wants to talk about the death of his grandmother because he still hasn’t gotten over it yet. But I always just change the subject or tell him that I’m hungry/thirsty and I want to go get something to eat or drink, because me saying “Shut up I don’t give a fuck. Stop being a baby.” wouldn’t go over smoothly. And I do that with everyone. And I feel BAD. But I just know there’s nothing I could do to help except maybe go do something to try and get their mind off it. And it’s usually a couple pints of Ben & Jerry’s and some funny movies. That’s my miracle cure for any emotional ailment.
